KALA

His villagers and friends did not know the reason behind his suicide. After a few days his family members found a suicide note from one of his diaries which must have been written a few days before the suicide.

Dear parents and friends… I know that you all loved me a lot. But, now suicide is the only meaningful choice before me and hence I embrace death gladly.

I found that my life a complete failure. Though I tried many things in life I never succeeded in anything. I found from the life experience that some people are born to win and some others are born to fail always in life. I had been experiencing the bitterness of failure right from my childhood days. Though I was born in a poor family I was educated by my parents. I had a dream to become a college professor when I was a university student.

I thought that being in love is the most beautiful experience in the world. I was very active in social networking sites. For the first time in my life I took a selfie and found it very nice. I uploaded it to his facebook account. As I was counting the likes I received from my friends and going through the comments I received a message from facebook messenger. It was from a girl whom I  had not seen in life. She was a friend of one of my friends. We went on chatting during the nights and exchanged kisses online. She told me that she likes the profile photo I had uploaded. We decided to meet after chatting in social networking for a long time.  Later I fell in love with her and she  took me to the depths and heights of love.  We exchanged kisses at parks, in the darkness of cinemas. we explored the depths of love and the passions of flesh. One breakup led to another love relationship. I explored female bodies in air-conditioned rooms and in isolated bushes. Later I came to the understanding that love is a kind of deception. At one moment of life when I was deserted by a girl whom I loved much I thought of committing suicide. As I was contemplating on committing suicide I received a call from one of my childhood friends. I shared with him my intention to bring and end to my life by consuming poison. After an hour long talk with my friend I decided not to commit suicide.

Later I decided to prepare for Indian Civil Service examination which is the toughest exam in India. To become a civil servant is one of the dreams of many Indian youth. Young people from different parts of India go to Delhi and get trained there. Civil service is found to be a glamorous job in India and hence many young people aspire to become a civil servant which is not because of their desire to serve the nation but to have a higher status in the society.

I did not have the financial resources to go to Delhi for IAS coaching. Some of my working friends ignored my request for financial support. I was considered to be a crazy and misled character by many of my friends and villagers. As I left for New Delhi I had just 6000 rupees at my hand which was not sufficient for me to make a living in Delhi for a single month. I thought of finding some part time job and to prepare for the exam. My plan was to attend classed during day and to find some night shift jobs in some BPO.  I travelled up to Delhi in unreserved compartments. It was indeed a tiring journey for me. I did not get even place to stand comfortably for many hours in the unreserved coaches.

I had to walk kilometers everyday to my coaching center as I had no sufficient money to take a bus. It was indeed tiring for me to walk along the dirty and crowded streets of Delhi. There were more than two hundred students were preparing for the same exam with me in the same center run by New Delhi Municipal Corporation.  I found that too many coaching centers are there in New Delhi alone for IAS coaching and many young people are preparing for it. I found that out of six lakhs students appear for the exam only one thousand people will be selected every year for the different services of the central government of India. Most of them wanted to be within the first fifty ranks as they can be in Indian Administrative Service or in Indian Foreign Service which are the glamorous positions in Indian Civil Service. Later I found that thousands of young people are preparing for the same test in different parts of India. I found that it is pointless to prepare for such a test where success percentage is very low.  More than that my life became difficult in Delhi as I ran short of money. I thought of asking  his parents in hometown to send him some money. It was not expected from a man above thirty years who must be financially independent. I tried to find some part time or full time job in some BPOs in Delhi. I found that I had to work for a long time even on weekends and the payment was very less. The profit oriented companies do not pay much to the workers though their energy and time are extracted for the profit of the company. I started to work in a company of Online marketing as a customer care executive. As I walked along the streets of Delhi in the late hours of night I found that young people of my age having pizzas, cigars and drinks. I was disturbed by the sight of young lovers roaming around at nights and kissing in isolated areas of the streets. I was not able to attend the classes in the training institute as my workload in the office was heavy. I became very much disappointed and pessimistic. I resigned the job and took a train back to my hometown.

Being frustrated and disappointed with the failures in life i thought of travelling around in Kerala all alone. I had some saving in the bank. I taught in some parallel colleges and took tuition for income as I ran short of money. I travelled in night buses during weekends  to various hill stations in and around Kerala. Though I enjoyed the breathtaking beauty of the landscapes i visited I had painful experiences in each and every journey.

As I was returning from Munnar I had a chat with a priest in the next seat. I was a catholic priest who was a much sought after resource person. He was a singer and a lover of art. He seemed to be very much committed to the responsibilities as a catholic priest. As the priest was talking about his personal life and family life I understood that the story similar to my own very life. His name, names of parents, house name and all the details were the same as mine. As the priest talked about his mother I found that my identity is lost somewhere. As the priest was about to get down in his stop he said.

“You cheated me  and hence your life has turned to be meaningless.”

When i was going to Wayanad in a KSRTC bus a professor occupied my next seat. The professor was working in Hyderabad central university in the department of English. He was a writer and was very passionate about short story and poetry. As the professor talked about his family and personal life found that the professor  was telling my own story. i understood that the professor just negated my identity by narrating his own life story where the professor stood as a successful person. After sometime the professor looked deep into my eyes and said.

“You stupid guy, cheated me and I had to sacrifice such a meaningful life and career.”

While I was returning from Kodaikanal, I met a family in the train. The husband had my bodily features. This time I wanted to know about the man and his family. I knew that the best way to  gain  the trust of elders is through  establishing a warm and friendly rapport with their children. In no time the children became my friends and I began to draw their portraits. As I was looking into the eye of the boy I understood that some sort of fatherly affection is overflowing from me to the boy.  I felt the same feeling as I looked at the girl child too. After finishing the portrait drawing in the moving train I began to talk to the man.  It was a shocking experience for me to know that the man is an identical copy of myself. The only difference is hat he was a successful bank manager having a good family. It became unbearable for me to continue the journey in the same compartment  and hence I thought of getting down in the next railway station and to take a passenger train to my home town.  As I was about to get down,  the man stood and shouted at me.

“You are a good for nothing man and you spoiled all my dreams and a successful life.”

I had to face similar painful experiences from many fellow passengers in a numbers of travels I made. I decided to not to go for any long distance travels. Even while travelling within my hometown I had to face similar problems from people identical to me in all respects. I found that in all cases the others were very much successful in life. I was very much mentally tortured by such encounters with the strangers and I became more and more pessimistic. My life became limited to the activities at home. I continued the home tuition for making a living. I tried to find some meaning in teaching the children English grammar and poetry.

I began to be haunted by dreams. Strange people appeared in my dreams and all of them had my own family background and were similar to me. Each of them told me that I spoiled his life and dreams. All of them were successful in life whereas myself was an utter failure in everything I did. In some nights they appeared as a group and shouted at me. Their screams and shouts filled my nights and I lost my sleep and peace of mind.

Finally I understood that my life is beyond repair. Indeed my life was a mistake and I spoiled the dreams of someone else. Someone else could have been born in my place and I must have cheated others in the first flight towards my mothers womb.

I now find that suicide is the only option before me as I do not have a meaning for this life.

“Death, my ultimate lover, I surrender myself before thee.”

By 

Josephs Kala